I've been a little MIA the past few months, mainly cause life has gotten interesting. Life is a crazy thing. So many different things going on at one time. Some perfectly amazing, some alright, a little not so good. It still amazes me to this day how many twists and turns the road of life gives you. But it is a truly amazing thing. It isn't always smooth but it is a road none-the-less. I'm very lucky to be traveling it with my husband and daughter, plus little paths coming off with the rest of my family. Every now and again they intersect...and when they do it is truly magical.
My daughter has started preschool and she loves it. She has made a few friends (girls and boys...the boys dad doesn't really want to hear about). Learning a bunch of new things, colors, numbers, some spanish. She's thriving. This week was Fall Break, and she kept asking me when she got to go back to school. I love that she is enjoying it.
My husband starts a new job in a week or two. He's ecstatic. I'm extremely happy for him. I'll always support him. He deserves it. He's an amazing man, he is good at everything he does. I'm proud of him. I can't wait for this new road we are traveling on, especially to see what new horizons we get to see. But the best part of it...we get to see them together.
Me...well...I'm happy to see my husband and my daughter thriving and excited for the new journey's they are going on. Which warms my heart. But I've been so focused on watching them on their journey's, I have forgotten about my own. I forgot about my desired to make myself healthier for myself and for my family. I saw a post on FB today, the picture read, "I don't want another girl's body. I want my body, but leaner, stronger and healthier."
I've been so guilty of seeing another woman and wishing I had her body. I keep forgetting that everyone's body's are different. Not one body is the same. Even though in the back of my mind I know this, I would forget and let these other body's influence me. I would see these body's of women that I wish I had and I would let it get me down cause I never thought I would be there. I would be so focused on that and hating my body that I let get me down. I let it derail me. I let it deteer my focus from me and the body I hated to my family and watching them grow.
I became something I hated. I hated my body, my healthy, my lack of strength, blah blah blah. You name it, I hated it. The only thing in my life that I loved (love) is my family. That is what kept me going, even though I hated myself...I loved my family enough that it pushed me through. That love that I have for them was enough to forget me...forget my hatred...forget my journey.
Here I am now...gained more weight back, gained some inches, and lost my focus. I still have the desire to become a better, healthier version of me. But I lost the focus, the passion behind that desire. Honestly, I was terrified to get on the scale the past couple of weeks. I was scared to take out the measuring tape to see the inches I've gained. I'm scared. I'm scared of not being enough. For myself, for my husband, for my daughter, for my sisters, for my brothers, for my moms and dads. I'm scared. This fear is holding me back, on top of wishing I had another woman's body...hahaha. I'm good at not saying the negative body stuff in front of my daughter, I don't want her to take that trait on...this trait is not a healthy one.
So today is a new day. A new found desire to become better. That picture I saw this morning helped, it is true...I don't want another woman's body. I want MY own, but stronger, leaner, and healthier. I no longer want to be scared that I won't be enough for my whole family. I no longer want to see this scared, unhealthy, unhappy woman. I want my daughter and my husband to see my thrive on my journey. I want them to be happy and see that changes that I'm making. I want them to be proud of me the way that I'm proud of them.
So starting today and until I believe the words that I'm saying. I'm going to stand in front of a mirror, any mirror. I am going to find one thing I love about myself and state, "I love _____. Because I love ____, I am worth it. I am worth the fight." I will find something new for as long as it takes. I deserve to love myself the way my family loves me.
