I've been a little MIA the past few months, mainly cause life has gotten interesting. Life is a crazy thing. So many different things going on at one time. Some perfectly amazing, some alright, a little not so good. It still amazes me to this day how many twists and turns the road of life gives you. But it is a truly amazing thing. It isn't always smooth but it is a road none-the-less. I'm very lucky to be traveling it with my husband and daughter, plus little paths coming off with the rest of my family. Every now and again they intersect...and when they do it is truly magical.
My daughter has started preschool and she loves it. She has made a few friends (girls and boys...the boys dad doesn't really want to hear about). Learning a bunch of new things, colors, numbers, some spanish. She's thriving. This week was Fall Break, and she kept asking me when she got to go back to school. I love that she is enjoying it.
My husband starts a new job in a week or two. He's ecstatic. I'm extremely happy for him. I'll always support him. He deserves it. He's an amazing man, he is good at everything he does. I'm proud of him. I can't wait for this new road we are traveling on, especially to see what new horizons we get to see. But the best part of it...we get to see them together.
Me...well...I'm happy to see my husband and my daughter thriving and excited for the new journey's they are going on. Which warms my heart. But I've been so focused on watching them on their journey's, I have forgotten about my own. I forgot about my desired to make myself healthier for myself and for my family. I saw a post on FB today, the picture read, "I don't want another girl's body. I want my body, but leaner, stronger and healthier."
I've been so guilty of seeing another woman and wishing I had her body. I keep forgetting that everyone's body's are different. Not one body is the same. Even though in the back of my mind I know this, I would forget and let these other body's influence me. I would see these body's of women that I wish I had and I would let it get me down cause I never thought I would be there. I would be so focused on that and hating my body that I let get me down. I let it derail me. I let it deteer my focus from me and the body I hated to my family and watching them grow.
I became something I hated. I hated my body, my healthy, my lack of strength, blah blah blah. You name it, I hated it. The only thing in my life that I loved (love) is my family. That is what kept me going, even though I hated myself...I loved my family enough that it pushed me through. That love that I have for them was enough to forget me...forget my hatred...forget my journey.
Here I am now...gained more weight back, gained some inches, and lost my focus. I still have the desire to become a better, healthier version of me. But I lost the focus, the passion behind that desire. Honestly, I was terrified to get on the scale the past couple of weeks. I was scared to take out the measuring tape to see the inches I've gained. I'm scared. I'm scared of not being enough. For myself, for my husband, for my daughter, for my sisters, for my brothers, for my moms and dads. I'm scared. This fear is holding me back, on top of wishing I had another woman's body...hahaha. I'm good at not saying the negative body stuff in front of my daughter, I don't want her to take that trait on...this trait is not a healthy one.
So today is a new day. A new found desire to become better. That picture I saw this morning helped, it is true...I don't want another woman's body. I want MY own, but stronger, leaner, and healthier. I no longer want to be scared that I won't be enough for my whole family. I no longer want to see this scared, unhealthy, unhappy woman. I want my daughter and my husband to see my thrive on my journey. I want them to be happy and see that changes that I'm making. I want them to be proud of me the way that I'm proud of them.
So starting today and until I believe the words that I'm saying. I'm going to stand in front of a mirror, any mirror. I am going to find one thing I love about myself and state, "I love _____. Because I love ____, I am worth it. I am worth the fight." I will find something new for as long as it takes. I deserve to love myself the way my family loves me.
Saturday, October 11, 2014
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Lifestyle Change, for the Better
So I've been intermittently going to the gym the past couple of weeks. You know the assessment you get done when you first sign up at a gym? I've been trying to listen to a little of what she said and trying to stick to what she suggests (as far as the gym...really going to kick it into high gear this week though). She said I should do 5 minute warm up on some kind of cardio machine, then do strength training (with no more added weight then 5 lbs, and no machines), and finally do the fat burner cycle on any cardio machine (do it to the point of burning 300 calories).
So with that suggestion, I've done the 5 minute warm up on the stair stepper, the 15-20 minute strength training (with 2.5 - 5 lb weights), and about 30-60 minutes (without the cool down) fat burner cycle on the treadmill. I've gone a few times, the first time I went up about 3 lbs and then dropped about 2 lb. The I went to the gym yesterday, did all of the above and I've gained 1 lb from the last time. It is frustrating. I know I'm slowly building more muscle, but even more slowly losing the fat.
So the food portion, I was told to not carb cycle. I was told that she never met anyone who successfully got rid of the weight and kept it off. In my opinion, anyone who sees the carb cycle as a diet, sees results and goes back to the way they ate before...will gain the weight back. It's the same thing for any kind of diet. The way to see any form of food intake change, as in no processed and less sugar, is as a lifestyle change.
I've been really bad with this. As in starting something, but seeing it as a diet. This is what I'm guilty of doing on more then one occasion: Don't see the results I want, Stop, Go back to the way I ate before. A diet is just that. It's something that is a "quick fix," it is not sustainable. If you view the change in your food habits as a lifestyle change, the doors that open are amazing. So you can take carb cycling, and make it a life style change. I've seen people succeed with it.
I also have to say, carb cycling isn't for everyone. What is for everyone, is changing the food habits. Do what you can to remove the processed stuff. Do what you can to add in more natural foods into your daily food intake. Eat more veggies. Drink more water. Just the staples.
I'm so bad at this. I'm working on it everyday. I struggle with it. I know that I can get through it and I can get better. I know I can do my workouts, eat right, and drink my water. I have to keep it in my mind. I need to constantly remind myself that I'm worth it. Even though the scale is not showing what I want it to reflect, I'm still becoming a healthier me. I want to show my daughter that persistentency, strength, and the knowledge that you are worth fighting for is one of the key's to being a positive and happy person. Proving this to her, and to myself, is a lesson I am willing to teach her everyday for the rest of our lives.
So with that suggestion, I've done the 5 minute warm up on the stair stepper, the 15-20 minute strength training (with 2.5 - 5 lb weights), and about 30-60 minutes (without the cool down) fat burner cycle on the treadmill. I've gone a few times, the first time I went up about 3 lbs and then dropped about 2 lb. The I went to the gym yesterday, did all of the above and I've gained 1 lb from the last time. It is frustrating. I know I'm slowly building more muscle, but even more slowly losing the fat.
So the food portion, I was told to not carb cycle. I was told that she never met anyone who successfully got rid of the weight and kept it off. In my opinion, anyone who sees the carb cycle as a diet, sees results and goes back to the way they ate before...will gain the weight back. It's the same thing for any kind of diet. The way to see any form of food intake change, as in no processed and less sugar, is as a lifestyle change.
I've been really bad with this. As in starting something, but seeing it as a diet. This is what I'm guilty of doing on more then one occasion: Don't see the results I want, Stop, Go back to the way I ate before. A diet is just that. It's something that is a "quick fix," it is not sustainable. If you view the change in your food habits as a lifestyle change, the doors that open are amazing. So you can take carb cycling, and make it a life style change. I've seen people succeed with it.
I also have to say, carb cycling isn't for everyone. What is for everyone, is changing the food habits. Do what you can to remove the processed stuff. Do what you can to add in more natural foods into your daily food intake. Eat more veggies. Drink more water. Just the staples.
I'm so bad at this. I'm working on it everyday. I struggle with it. I know that I can get through it and I can get better. I know I can do my workouts, eat right, and drink my water. I have to keep it in my mind. I need to constantly remind myself that I'm worth it. Even though the scale is not showing what I want it to reflect, I'm still becoming a healthier me. I want to show my daughter that persistentency, strength, and the knowledge that you are worth fighting for is one of the key's to being a positive and happy person. Proving this to her, and to myself, is a lesson I am willing to teach her everyday for the rest of our lives.
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Relearning and Remembering Plateau's
So yesterday I had the opportunity to relearn some good ol' fitness information, as well as learning a couple of new things.
We all know that the few of the main ingredients to a successful journey is food, water, exercise (strength and cardio). We all know that without the combo, the journey could be hard. If we just have the food, but we aren't building our strength and our cardio...we would lose weight, but it would be losing more muscle then the fat. If we build on our strength and cardio but continue to eat the junk...you aren't really going to see much of a difference. The water...well we need to keep hydrated. It helps our bodies to flush out the toxins and helps flush any water weight we may have put on our bodies.
But there are some things that I think we all know, we definitely have all seen in our journey's, but we tend to get frustrated with and sometimes forget. That is our lovely plateau. It happens to all of us. We all hit that plateau moment. We all feel frustrated cause the scale and the inches stop coming off. It is frustrating!! I have been one of those people who hit that plateau for a week or two...and I let it derail me from my journey. I have gone on a massive roller coaster ride cause of the plateau's. I've stayed on ledges for weeks/months/years on end...never budging, never wanting to move. I was one of the worst offenders...I'd see the progress, huge progress, and just because of a couple of weeks of plateauing...I gave up and saw that progress be thrown out the window.
One thing I have learned from reading Chris Powell's books, and relearned again from my fitness assessment at the gym yesterday, is that we can beat the plateau. Plateauing isn't just because of your "diet" or your exercise. It's because your body gets used to what you are doing. If you are doing a "diet" or you do the same exercises day in and day out...your body is going to get used to it!! Sounds funny, I know...but our bodies are smart. So you have to switch up your routines. Switch up the way you eat for a week, trick your body. Constantly make your body keep guessing on what kind of strength training you are going to do. Switch up your cardio every now and again...but make it something that you'll like. Exercise, even though it can be hard, can and should be fun. Not something you dread. If you like what you are doing...you are going to keep doing it.
This is something I have to remember...a lot. I'm a huge "plateau comes, I stop" kind of a person. I hate that I do that. It's about time that I change it. I have to change it. For myself, for my health, for my family. I do not want my daughter to learn that when something you don't like comes up, to quit. I don't want her to know that. So I have to change. I need to change the way I think. I need to prove to myself that the ledges aren't as comfy as they seem and that climbing out it and moving along my journey is worth the fight, and definitely worth the view.
So if any of you hit that plateau and think about giving up...DON'T!! It isn't worth it. You are worth it! You can break through the plateau!! You can do anything that you put your mind too!! You are worth fighting for!! Proving to yourself that you can do it is worth more to you then denying yourself the view from the top!!
We all know that the few of the main ingredients to a successful journey is food, water, exercise (strength and cardio). We all know that without the combo, the journey could be hard. If we just have the food, but we aren't building our strength and our cardio...we would lose weight, but it would be losing more muscle then the fat. If we build on our strength and cardio but continue to eat the junk...you aren't really going to see much of a difference. The water...well we need to keep hydrated. It helps our bodies to flush out the toxins and helps flush any water weight we may have put on our bodies.
But there are some things that I think we all know, we definitely have all seen in our journey's, but we tend to get frustrated with and sometimes forget. That is our lovely plateau. It happens to all of us. We all hit that plateau moment. We all feel frustrated cause the scale and the inches stop coming off. It is frustrating!! I have been one of those people who hit that plateau for a week or two...and I let it derail me from my journey. I have gone on a massive roller coaster ride cause of the plateau's. I've stayed on ledges for weeks/months/years on end...never budging, never wanting to move. I was one of the worst offenders...I'd see the progress, huge progress, and just because of a couple of weeks of plateauing...I gave up and saw that progress be thrown out the window.
One thing I have learned from reading Chris Powell's books, and relearned again from my fitness assessment at the gym yesterday, is that we can beat the plateau. Plateauing isn't just because of your "diet" or your exercise. It's because your body gets used to what you are doing. If you are doing a "diet" or you do the same exercises day in and day out...your body is going to get used to it!! Sounds funny, I know...but our bodies are smart. So you have to switch up your routines. Switch up the way you eat for a week, trick your body. Constantly make your body keep guessing on what kind of strength training you are going to do. Switch up your cardio every now and again...but make it something that you'll like. Exercise, even though it can be hard, can and should be fun. Not something you dread. If you like what you are doing...you are going to keep doing it.
This is something I have to remember...a lot. I'm a huge "plateau comes, I stop" kind of a person. I hate that I do that. It's about time that I change it. I have to change it. For myself, for my health, for my family. I do not want my daughter to learn that when something you don't like comes up, to quit. I don't want her to know that. So I have to change. I need to change the way I think. I need to prove to myself that the ledges aren't as comfy as they seem and that climbing out it and moving along my journey is worth the fight, and definitely worth the view.
So if any of you hit that plateau and think about giving up...DON'T!! It isn't worth it. You are worth it! You can break through the plateau!! You can do anything that you put your mind too!! You are worth fighting for!! Proving to yourself that you can do it is worth more to you then denying yourself the view from the top!!
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Unknown Inspiration
I've been in a funk the past week or so. It hasn't been fun. I've been on FB just wondering around and seeing what everyone was up to. And man...the inspiration that I have received from my friends and family has been unbelievable!!
I have friends going through some major stuff. These friends may be hurting, and hurting really bad, but they have managed to find the strength to get through it. They have friends and family who are super supportive of them and what they are going through. They would do anything to be there for them. Doesn't matter what they had/have going on in their life...they would drop everything to make sure that they got everything that they needed. Because of all the support that they have received during this time, they have found the strength. The strength to keep on going. I've always known how strong they were, they knew as well, but like the rest of us...the view on your strength gets weakened. But they stood up, dusted themselves off, and are doing their best to do what they have to do. Not only for themselves, but for their family. It is truly inspiring.
I also have friends and family going through a lot of medical issues. The medical issues just keep getting added on...and they just keep on smiling and enjoying life. I've been through the massive amounts of medical issues (that one still hasn't been figured out) and it was hard to keep that smile on my face. I'm not sure if deep down they are freaking out, and just showing on the outside that they are just fine. Or if they are just choosing to find the best side of it all. I don't know, I'm just one person whose been through it and couldn't find anything positive about. But they do inspire me. Inspire me to keep on going. Inspire me to find the strength to keep on going.
The inspiration I'm getting from them to find my strength and keep going on my journey is the best gift anyone could ever receive. The best part is...they do not know that they are giving it. They do not know the gift they are giving people. Seeing the strength, the hope, the faith, the love, and the support they not only get but are receiving. It is truly inspirational. It is the gift that keeps on giving. It is the binding agents to our life.
In finding all this inspiration, thanks to a friend of mine, I have to decided to join a challenge. The challenge is to eat healthier (no added junk/processed foods) and more water. I'm joining in this challenge. But I'm going in knowing that if I do stumble, it is okay. I just get up, dust myself off, forgive myself, and move-on to the next step. We are human, we are not 100% perfect. I always forget this, and it is time to start remembering it.
"I am not telling you that it is going to be easy. But I am telling you that it is going to be worth it." - unknown
I have friends going through some major stuff. These friends may be hurting, and hurting really bad, but they have managed to find the strength to get through it. They have friends and family who are super supportive of them and what they are going through. They would do anything to be there for them. Doesn't matter what they had/have going on in their life...they would drop everything to make sure that they got everything that they needed. Because of all the support that they have received during this time, they have found the strength. The strength to keep on going. I've always known how strong they were, they knew as well, but like the rest of us...the view on your strength gets weakened. But they stood up, dusted themselves off, and are doing their best to do what they have to do. Not only for themselves, but for their family. It is truly inspiring.
I also have friends and family going through a lot of medical issues. The medical issues just keep getting added on...and they just keep on smiling and enjoying life. I've been through the massive amounts of medical issues (that one still hasn't been figured out) and it was hard to keep that smile on my face. I'm not sure if deep down they are freaking out, and just showing on the outside that they are just fine. Or if they are just choosing to find the best side of it all. I don't know, I'm just one person whose been through it and couldn't find anything positive about. But they do inspire me. Inspire me to keep on going. Inspire me to find the strength to keep on going.
The inspiration I'm getting from them to find my strength and keep going on my journey is the best gift anyone could ever receive. The best part is...they do not know that they are giving it. They do not know the gift they are giving people. Seeing the strength, the hope, the faith, the love, and the support they not only get but are receiving. It is truly inspirational. It is the gift that keeps on giving. It is the binding agents to our life.
In finding all this inspiration, thanks to a friend of mine, I have to decided to join a challenge. The challenge is to eat healthier (no added junk/processed foods) and more water. I'm joining in this challenge. But I'm going in knowing that if I do stumble, it is okay. I just get up, dust myself off, forgive myself, and move-on to the next step. We are human, we are not 100% perfect. I always forget this, and it is time to start remembering it.
"I am not telling you that it is going to be easy. But I am telling you that it is going to be worth it." - unknown
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Frustrated!
Alrighty...here we go. I'm trying to stay positive. Trying to stay away from the ledge. But I'm teetering...and I'm teetering bad. I did my monthly weigh-in and measurements today. And it is sooooo not good!! Even though I've done my workouts, drank my water, and did my best to watch my food (it still wasn't the greatest...especially Saturday)...I have gained weight and inches. I'm so disappointed in the fact that this happening and I cannot seem to get a handle on it.
I'm not disappointed in keeping with my water and workout schedule. Cause I'm nailing it and I feel amazing!! But I'm so disappointed in the fact I cannot seem to get my food under control. I feel like I'm fighting a never ending battle. I know all it will take is one push, one little finger push and I'll fall fast. I'll fall fast and I'll fall hard.
I want to say positive things. I want to be like, "Believe in yourself" and "if you hate starting over, stop quitting." I hear them, I see them, I believe them. I'm just losing faith in my eating. I thought I knew how to do it. I've done it before...so why can I not do it now!! Why can't I figure this out?!
AAAUUUGGGHHH!!!
This is getting so frustrating. My husband supports me and is trying to help me figure this all out. But when I get frustrated...and I don't want to hear it. I just want to figure it out on my own and let that be that. As you can see that doesn't quite work. Bitting the hand that wants to help you...not a good decision. It is taking me a while to figure it out. I'm going to get better. That is a one of the goals I have for this week (and something I'm going to have to continue working on).
There it is. My not so shiny moment. My frustrated, I'm teetering on the ledge, I'm going to fall, "what do I do" kind of moment. This is my day today. We all have these moments. We are human. We have our doubts, we have our negative moments. I have a few hours left in my day and I'm planning on making the most of it with family. It is turkey black bean taco/burrito,tostada night. Afterwards, it is on to watch Extreme Weight Loss. This usually brings me back to inspiration (like last weeks episode with Bruce, he's one inspiring guy...we need more of him and Chris/Heidi Powell in this world) mode.
With that said...I made a promise to do 30 squats, 30 lunges, and 30 swing-ups. So off I go...time to get all of these in and enjoy my family time. Tomorrow...more positivity. A brighter light. A friend helping me find a soultion to my food problem (thank you Ann).
"Will it be easy? Nope. Will it be worth it? Absolutely." - unknown
I'm not disappointed in keeping with my water and workout schedule. Cause I'm nailing it and I feel amazing!! But I'm so disappointed in the fact I cannot seem to get my food under control. I feel like I'm fighting a never ending battle. I know all it will take is one push, one little finger push and I'll fall fast. I'll fall fast and I'll fall hard.
I want to say positive things. I want to be like, "Believe in yourself" and "if you hate starting over, stop quitting." I hear them, I see them, I believe them. I'm just losing faith in my eating. I thought I knew how to do it. I've done it before...so why can I not do it now!! Why can't I figure this out?!
AAAUUUGGGHHH!!!
This is getting so frustrating. My husband supports me and is trying to help me figure this all out. But when I get frustrated...and I don't want to hear it. I just want to figure it out on my own and let that be that. As you can see that doesn't quite work. Bitting the hand that wants to help you...not a good decision. It is taking me a while to figure it out. I'm going to get better. That is a one of the goals I have for this week (and something I'm going to have to continue working on).
There it is. My not so shiny moment. My frustrated, I'm teetering on the ledge, I'm going to fall, "what do I do" kind of moment. This is my day today. We all have these moments. We are human. We have our doubts, we have our negative moments. I have a few hours left in my day and I'm planning on making the most of it with family. It is turkey black bean taco/burrito,tostada night. Afterwards, it is on to watch Extreme Weight Loss. This usually brings me back to inspiration (like last weeks episode with Bruce, he's one inspiring guy...we need more of him and Chris/Heidi Powell in this world) mode.
With that said...I made a promise to do 30 squats, 30 lunges, and 30 swing-ups. So off I go...time to get all of these in and enjoy my family time. Tomorrow...more positivity. A brighter light. A friend helping me find a soultion to my food problem (thank you Ann).
"Will it be easy? Nope. Will it be worth it? Absolutely." - unknown
Sunday, June 22, 2014
Losing my Grip...Finding my Strengeth
Took me a little bit to figure out what to write about and what to post about. In general, this week has been rough for me. I found myself losing my grip on my weight management journey. I'm frustrated that I still can't seem to get my food portions under control. So I'm faltering on the ledge.
Even though I'm keeping the promise to work-out and complete my missions in the morning. I find myself struggling with my food. And seeing the scale either move down by a couple of ounces or move up by a couple of pounds...I lose my confidence. I lose my grip on what I'm trying to achieve. I know I'm not the only one. I know seeing the scale up by chunks by only go down by ounces is very daunting. It can break a small piece off inside of you. A piece that you never realized that you had. A piece that you want to control and can't figure out how to do it.
I know losing my grip on this part of my life just makes me want to control the other aspects of my life that much more. I want everything to be perfect. I want the house a certain way. I want things to be picked up when they need to be. If I'm running an errand and I have a specified time I want to be out, I need to be out at that time. If my "everything" isn't perfect, I freak out and I get upset. Because then I feel like I can't control anything in my life and I can't do anything right.
Losing the grip, teetering on the ledge of despair...can break a spirit down. It can harm all the progress one makes to finally believe that they can do anything that they put their mind to. That they can finally "Become what they believe." (Oprah Winfrey). Losing that grip...they lose their belief.
Now, even though losing ones grip on any part of their life is easy to do...but finding the strength to move past this down fall...that is a work of art!!
How do you find your strength to move past this slip? When you do, how do you use it to get where you are going to go? How?
It's a simple question, but a hard one for most to answer.
Everyone's inner strength is different and comes from different things. There are some things that are the same for everyone, for every strength.
Faith. Belief. Hope. Support.
If we can find these again, then we can get back to where we were when we lost our grip. We can step back from the ledge, slowly but surely. We can learn to have faith in ourselves and trust the process. We can learn to love ourselves again. We can learn to believe in ourselves again.
It sounds so simple, but how do we get there. I have learned, and I'm relearning everyday, to make SMART goals.
Small
Measurable
Attainable
Relevant
Time-Bound
My SMART goal is to get up to half my body weight in oz (87.5 oz) in water everyday for a week (7 straight days) starting 06/23.
This is one thing I have been lacking lately. I live in AZ and should be drinking way more then this. But starting Small, and working my way up is the right way to go. I can do this. This will be the first step to many in order to achieve my belief in myself and to achieve my transformation.
Sunday, June 8, 2014
Mountain Tops and Cliffs
Have you ever stood on top of a mountain, any mountain? Have you ever stepped out and took a look at the view? What do you see? All I see is this beautiful, God given view of trees, sky, clouds, and sun. Then have you ever looked down and realized you were standing on a cliff...but you didn’t care cause the view was spectacular and made you feel like you could do or be anything? I have, and it is truly amazing.
So recently I let the cliff overtake me. So I'm feeling very frustrated. Mostly with myself. Before I get on this tangent, let me start at the beginning.
I started my journey in 2011, beginning weight 188.4 lbs and 40.1% body fat. I did decent throughout the year. My lowest being 172.6 lbs and 37.3% BF...then...got frustrated that I only got rid of 16 lbs. So over the course of 7 months I was back up to 181 lbs. Chris powell came out with his new book, “Choose More, Lose More for life” and it changed the way I saw things. I started keeping small promises and believing in myself. Between July and December of 2013, I was down 10.6 lbs, 1.4% BF and 15 inches. I was proud of what I accomplished...because the scale may not have reflected what I wanted...but the inches and the way I felt about myself were different. Better. Happier. Stronger. Energetic. The view on top was so clear, so sparkly, so ME!!
Things were going great...then my schedule changed and life got in the way. Not in the beginning, but eventually. I blame myself for letting it affect me the way it did.
Instead of having my nephew dropped off at my house at 9am, I was now getting my daughter out of bed and driving to my brothers. I had to be there by 5:30am. I didn’t mind, cause I was helping my brother out. That made me feel good and it made me feel happy. I was doing okay, I was getting in the 9-minute missions. My eating was something to be desired. All around I was doing what I had to do but being tired...was starting to take a toll on me...my healthy eating went on the way side (not bad at first). February 2014 rolled around and I was down to 168.2, not bad...down 2.2 lbs for the month.
This is where everything went down the road of regret or the cliff of stumbles. Brilliant me decided, since we ran out of our easy-ups for my daughter, we would start night training her...by the way, we were still doing the 5am wake up and drive to my brother’s house. So we were up constantly during the night, so instead of doing my workout...I went straight to bed. Woke up in enough time to get the kids ready and my niece off to school. Still no workout, so I figured I would do it later in the day...no workout done. Promise #1 broken, my 6 month exercise streak...down the cliff. My eating habits followed...promise #2 broken.
By the end of 3 months and pretty much my current life and feelings, I was back up to 174.6 lbs. I lost who I was. Where I wanted to be. Who I wanted to be. I lost sight of my end goal. I was frustrated, sad, feeling flabby, tired, weak.
I felt like I was so far down the cliff, I couldn’t see anyone...especially me. In fact, I was so far down that the trees inside the forest made it hard to see anything. My grip on my life, on my journey was faltering...I didn’t know how much longer I could hold on to this one ledge.
Just like all cliffs, there were more ledges beneath me and I kept looking down and kept feeling them creep upwards to where I was holding on. Felt them calling to me, “All you have to do is let go, we’ll catch you. The farther and faster you fall, the faster you’ll be at the bottom. Even though you’ll feel bad, you won’t have to worry about climbing up again. Just do it.” I couldn’t shake it. That is...until I saw a hand reach out for me.
I wasn’t sure who it was, why they were reaching out for someone who went off the beaten path. I was scared. I was scared to let this person believe in me. I was scared to believe in myself. I am scared. I’m scared that even if I leave behind this weight, this person of who doubts themselves, this person who’s losing faith in herself...that no one will see who I truly am. No one will believe in me. But this one singular hand was just reaching out for me to grab ahold of. It was telling me, “believe in yourself. You may not be strong now, but I will help you up. I will continue to help you to the next ledge until you are on top of the mountain. You may not believe in yourself right now, but I believe in you and that’s enough...for the moment.”
I was scared but I trusted “that hand, that person.” So I grabbed on, I grabbed on with every bit of strength that I had left in this beaten and bruised body. I pulled myself from the ledge I was on. When I got to the next ledge, I was able to “stand” (more on my toes then anything). Step#1, promise #1...done, learn that you are worth the battle. Then there were two hands. Still scared, but still trusting...I grabbed ahold. And there you were...the “Be Your Best” logo/class. Step #2...got to class and learn something new. Three hands. Trust is more evident now, the scared feeling...dwindling. Step #3...9-minute missions completed. Four hands. There she was. Getting in my head, making me cry. Seeing the person I was and no longer wanted to be. Step #4...change myself, not only physically...but emotionally. Then five hands and the ledge was bigger and I could finally see the top. I could see the tree tops. I was feeling supported, loved, cared for, even more worthy of the fight. Step #5...get the support that you need from people who believe in you.
As you can imagine, I was feeling good. I was seeing the emotional improvements. I was exercising. I was “trying” to eat right. That is where the scale and the measurements...weren’t showing my efforts. The ledge I was on...starting to crumble. I was feeling frustrated cause I wasn’t eating right. I was “trying” to do the carb cycling like I was before. I know what I’m doing wrong...my portions aren’t right and some of my food choices aren’t good. So I’m frustrated with myself. Even though I made progress and those hands helped me to believe in myself, believe in the process. The voices from down below were creeping in. But they were different, they are saying “you can’t do this. You aren’t worth it. Get it over with and fall. You are going to anyways...just fall.”
I hear the voices from the top of the mountain screaming at me to believe in myself and I hear the voices from the base of the mountain screaming you aren’t worth believing in. All I want to do is scream!! I know who I should believe...it isn’t the top and it isn’t the bottom. It is in me. I need to find the strength and the knowledge on how to fix what I’m breaking. I need to figure out my portions and my food. I need to find the strength to truly, 100% believe in me. Believe I’m so worth the fight. So worth loving. So worth getting to know. So worth being the person I’ve always wanted to be and the person that I know I am. I’m worth letting that person out and not hiding behind the fake person I tend to show everyone. Like I said above, I’m scared because I don’t want the real person to scare off the very few people I have in my life.
Who am I? I am a person who loves with everything she has. I am a person who loves to joke around and have fun, but also has a serious side. I am a person who loves to help out others even if it means a sacrifice on her end. I am a person who cares, some say too much, I say not enough. I am a person who has been hurt in the past (by friends, by family). I am a person who forgives but wants to forget. I am a person who has her issues with abandonment, but they are getting better. I am a person who stumbles. I am a person who believes in God. I am a person who believes in others. I am a person who wants to be liked/loved by others. I am a person who wants to be accepted as the person she is and not by the person others perceive her to be. I am a person who gets frustrated and angry. I am a person who wants others to care about more than themselves 60+% of the time. I am a person who can be selfish. I am me. I am the best that I can be...for me, for my family, for my daughter. I am me.
I am Christina Sue Rowe (Erno). I am 35 years old, with a 4 year old daughter, and a wonderful husband of 6 years. I have two younger sisters, an older brother, a younger brother, 4 nieces, and 2 nephews that I love more than they’ll ever realize. I more aunts, uncles, cousins and second cousins that I know what to do with. I have a wonderful dad who worked hard to provide for his family of 7. I have a stepmother (who is my mom in every way that matters), who took on 2 kids who weren’t hers and loved them with all she had. I have a mother who went through a lot of trials and tribulations in her life, but still does her best to find her strength. I had a step-dad who was taken from us too soon, but loved 2 kids like it was all he had to do in life. I was lucky and had 3 grandmas & 3 grandpas who did whatever they could to make their grandkids feel like they were loved and cherished. I have a sister-in-law that is supportive and loving, couldn't dream of a better one. I have a father and mother in-law who have welcomed me into their family and made me feel like I was truly their daughter.
I am Christina. I am me. I have a big family. They each taught me how to be the person I am today. Even though I was afraid to show it. Guess what? I’m not any longer. Not as of today. I am who I am, take me or leave me. Just know...I will no longer hide. I will no longer show you the fake. I will only show you the real. I may still be frustrated with my food choices. But knowing who I am and who I want everyone to see...that step is in the right direction. The food will come, but getting past this ledge...was profound, was character building. It was so significant. It brought me to the top of the mountain. I can see the green pine tops swaying in the cool breeze. I see the clear expansive blue sky. I see the marshmallow type clouds and the bright sparkly sun. I have all the hands of change, of support around me. I have me. I truly have me. If I fall, I know they will be there. I know I will be there. I know...that I am free. I am soaring like an Eagle!!!
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