Mountain Tops and Cliffs

Have you ever stood on top of a mountain, any mountain?   Have you ever stepped out and took a look at the view?  What do you see?  All I see is this beautiful, God given view of trees, sky, clouds, and sun.  Then have you ever looked down and realized you were standing on a cliff...but you didn’t care cause the view was spectacular and made you feel like you could do or be anything?  I have, and it is truly amazing.

So recently I let the cliff overtake me.  So I'm feeling very frustrated.  Mostly with myself.  Before I get on this tangent, let me start at the beginning.  

I started my journey in 2011, beginning weight 188.4 lbs and 40.1% body fat.  I did decent throughout the year.  My lowest being 172.6 lbs and 37.3% BF...then...got frustrated that I only got rid of 16 lbs.  So over the course of 7 months I was back up to 181 lbs.  Chris powell came out with his new book, “Choose More, Lose More for life” and it changed the way I saw things.  I started keeping small promises and believing in myself.  Between July and December of 2013, I was down 10.6 lbs, 1.4% BF and 15 inches.  I was proud of what I accomplished...because the scale may not have reflected what I wanted...but the inches and the way I felt about myself were different.  Better.  Happier.  Stronger. Energetic.  The view on top was so clear, so sparkly, so ME!!

Things were going great...then my schedule changed and life got in the way.  Not in the beginning, but eventually. I blame myself for letting it affect me the way it did.

Instead of having my nephew dropped off at my house at 9am, I was now getting my daughter out of bed and driving to my brothers.  I had to be there by 5:30am.  I didn’t mind, cause I was helping my brother out.  That made me feel good and it made me feel happy.  I was doing okay,  I was getting in the 9-minute missions.  My eating was something to be desired.  All around I was doing what I had to do but being tired...was starting to take a toll on me...my healthy eating went on the way side (not bad at first).  February 2014 rolled around and I was down to 168.2, not bad...down 2.2 lbs for the month.  

This is where everything went down the road of regret or the cliff of stumbles.  Brilliant me decided, since we ran out of our easy-ups for my daughter, we would start night training her...by the way, we were still doing the 5am wake up and drive to my brother’s house.  So we were up constantly during the night, so instead of doing my workout...I went straight to bed.  Woke up in enough time to get the kids ready and my niece off to school.  Still no workout, so I figured I would do it later in the day...no workout done.  Promise #1 broken, my 6 month exercise streak...down the cliff.  My eating habits followed...promise #2 broken.

By the end of 3 months and pretty much my current life and feelings, I was back up to 174.6 lbs.  I lost who I was.  Where I wanted to be.  Who I wanted to be.  I lost sight of my end goal.  I was frustrated, sad, feeling flabby, tired, weak.  

I felt like I was so far down the cliff, I couldn’t see anyone...especially me.  In fact, I was so far down that the trees inside the forest made it hard to see anything.  My grip on my life, on my journey was faltering...I didn’t know how much longer I could hold on to this one ledge.  

Just like all cliffs, there were more ledges beneath me and I kept looking down and kept feeling them creep upwards to where I was holding  on.  Felt them calling to me, “All you have to do is let go, we’ll catch you.  The farther and faster you fall, the faster you’ll be at the bottom.  Even though you’ll feel bad, you won’t have to worry about climbing up again.  Just do it.”  I couldn’t shake it.  That is...until I saw a hand reach out for me.

I wasn’t sure who it was,  why they were reaching out for someone who went off the beaten path.  I was scared. I was scared to let this person believe in me.  I was scared to believe in myself.  I am scared.  I’m scared that even if I leave behind this weight, this person of who doubts themselves, this person who’s losing faith in herself...that no one will see who I truly am.  No one will believe in me.  But this one singular hand was just reaching out for me to grab ahold of.  It was telling me, “believe in yourself.  You may not be strong now, but I will help you up.  I will continue to help you to the next ledge until you are on top of the mountain. You may not believe in yourself right now, but I believe in you and that’s enough...for the moment.”

I was scared but I trusted “that hand, that person.”  So I grabbed on, I grabbed on with every bit of strength that I had left in this beaten and bruised body.  I pulled myself from the ledge I was on.  When I got to the next ledge, I was able to “stand” (more on my toes then anything).  Step#1, promise #1...done, learn that you are worth the battle.  Then there were two hands.  Still scared, but still trusting...I grabbed ahold.  And there you were...the “Be Your Best” logo/class.  Step #2...got to class and learn something new.  Three hands. Trust is more evident now, the scared feeling...dwindling.  Step #3...9-minute missions completed.  Four hands.  There she was.  Getting in my head, making me cry.  Seeing the person I was and no longer wanted to be.  Step #4...change myself, not only physically...but emotionally.  Then five hands and the ledge was bigger and I could finally see the top.  I could see the tree tops.  I was feeling supported, loved, cared for, even more worthy of the fight.  Step #5...get the support that you need from people who believe in you.

As you can imagine, I was feeling good.  I was seeing the emotional improvements.  I was exercising.  I was “trying” to eat right.  That is where the scale and the measurements...weren’t showing my efforts.  The ledge I was on...starting to crumble.  I was feeling frustrated cause I wasn’t eating right.  I was “trying” to do the carb cycling like I was before.  I know what I’m doing wrong...my portions aren’t right and some of my food choices aren’t good.  So I’m frustrated with myself.  Even though I made progress and those hands helped me to believe in myself, believe in the process.  The voices from down below were creeping in.  But they were different, they are saying “you can’t do this.  You aren’t worth it. Get it over with and fall.  You are going to anyways...just fall.”

I hear the voices from the top of the mountain screaming at me to believe in myself and I hear the voices from the base of the mountain screaming you aren’t worth believing in.  All I want to do is scream!!  I know who I should believe...it isn’t the top and it isn’t the bottom.  It is in me.  I need to find the strength and the knowledge on how to fix what I’m breaking.  I need to figure out my portions and my food.  I need to find the strength to truly, 100% believe in me.  Believe I’m so worth the fight.  So worth loving.  So worth getting to know.  So worth being the person I’ve always wanted to be and the person that I know I am.  I’m worth letting that person out and not hiding behind the fake person I tend to show everyone.  Like I said above, I’m scared because I don’t want the real person to scare off the very few people I have in my life.

Who am I?  I am a person who loves with everything she has.  I am a person who loves to joke around and have fun, but also has a serious side.  I am a person who loves to help out others even if it means a sacrifice on her end.  I am a person who cares, some say too much, I say not enough.  I am a person who has been hurt in the past (by friends, by family).  I am a person who forgives but wants to forget.  I am a person who has her issues with abandonment, but they are getting better.  I am a person who stumbles.  I am a person who believes in God.  I am a person who believes in others.  I am a person who wants to be liked/loved by others.  I am a person who wants to be accepted as the person she is and not by the person others perceive her to be.  I am a person who gets frustrated and angry.  I am a person who wants others to care about more than themselves 60+% of the time.    I am a person who can be selfish.  I am me.  I am the best that I can be...for me, for my family, for my daughter.  I am me.  

I am Christina Sue Rowe (Erno).  I am 35 years old, with a 4 year old daughter, and a wonderful husband of 6 years.  I have two younger sisters, an older brother, a younger brother, 4 nieces, and 2 nephews  that I love more than they’ll ever realize.  I more aunts, uncles, cousins and second cousins that I know what to do with.  I have a wonderful dad who worked hard to provide for his family of 7.  I have a stepmother (who is my mom in every way that matters), who took on 2 kids who weren’t hers and loved them with all she had.  I have a mother who went through a lot of trials and tribulations in her life, but still does her best to find her strength.  I had a step-dad who was taken from us too soon, but loved 2 kids like it was all he had to do in life.  I was lucky and had 3 grandmas & 3 grandpas who did whatever they could to make their grandkids feel like they were loved and cherished.  I have a sister-in-law that is supportive and loving, couldn't dream of a better one. I have a father and mother in-law who have welcomed me into their family and made me feel like I was truly their daughter.

I am Christina.  I am me.  I have a big family.  They each taught me how to be the person I am today.  Even though I was afraid to show it.  Guess what? I’m not any longer.  Not as of today.  I am who I am, take me or leave me.  Just know...I will no longer hide.  I will no longer show you the fake.  I will only show you the real.  I may still be frustrated with my food choices.  But knowing who I am and who I want everyone to see...that step is in the right direction.  The food will come, but getting past this ledge...was profound, was character building.  It was so significant.  It brought me to the top of the mountain.  I can see the green pine tops swaying in the cool breeze.  I see the clear expansive blue sky.  I see the marshmallow type clouds and the bright sparkly sun.  I have all the hands of change, of support around me.  I have me.  I truly have me.  If I fall, I know they will be there.  I know I will be there.  I know...that I am free.  I am soaring like an Eagle!!!